Confession

Come on, I’m going to  be real here.

Sometimes I wish I had a best friend like Ethel who would run away with me and never come back…sort of like a Thelma and Louise trip but with a different ending.

Sometimes I wish I was the kind of person who never felt like giving up, who never procrastinated, who always had a spotless house and dressed like Mrs. Cleaver.

And sometimes I wish I could just be me knowing my uniqueness is the way God made me, and all I had to do was live my life while following Him.

But NO, my mind tends to get lost in self-deprecating scenarios of never being enough, not being talented enough, not trying hard enough. With a deep breath and a loud sigh I moan, “What am I doing?  I’m too old for this! I’ve messed up too many times,” and “there’s no way out! I just can’t do this anymore, not to mention,  I don’t even want to!”

So I grab the remote, flip on the TV, and start searching for something light to make me laugh – maybe a Lucy and Ethel chocolate factory episode. Which, by the way makes me crave a snack, so I run for the kitchen and return with potato chips and soda, knowing for absolute certainty they are not good for me. I plop down on the couch.

Later I surf for a Hallmark Movie, one where the hometown girl went to New York and made it big, got engaged to the boss, then returns to her small hometown to run the family business. When, surprise, surprise,  she sees her high school sweetheart. You know the rest! I do too, so why did I watch it?

Well, I needed something to do while I ate the chips. While this movie makes me a little sad because I have never experienced that ‘happily ever after,’ part, I can imagine my husband and myself being like that, can’t I? With the movie over, I roll off the couch and pass the dirty dishes in the sink. I was going to do those this morning. Oh well…as I put away the chip bag I see it’s almost empty, so I close it with a little extra air in it. No one will know I’ve been in them.

I head for the bedroom, maybe I’ll take a long nap. That would be good. But I know it will most likely keep me from sleeping tonight so, instead I pull on a pair of stretch jeans which are too tight, followed by a loose top, covering most of my mid-part, and I head for the mall. While strolling, or should I say wobbling through the ladies departments, I see the skinny models looking perfect in the newest outfits, I realize I certainly wouldn’t look that way, so I leave.

Arriving home I realize what a wasted day it was. I know God doesn’t mind if I take a break and do some of the things I love. Even Jesus at times pulled away to be alone, but that wasn’t my motive. I had been feeling an emptiness in my spirit, feeling God beckoning me to spend more time in His Word and in prayer. I also knew the burdens I carried were painful so I chose to run away from them, to escape rather than push through them in prayer.

Tomorrow is another day, and His mercies are new every morning, so tomorrow, I’ll start with prayer and reading the Word. And if I’m tired and need to rest, I will.

What about you? Do you feel lonely, afraid? Are you facing a struggle, worried about your family, or how any of it can possibly work out? God is in control, He sees our every problem and He is working on the solution. So perhaps you’d like to say this little prayer along with me.

“Increase my faith, Oh Lord. Help me to rest, knowing You’re working all things out together for our good. Thank You Father for loving me so much, just as I am.”